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No Strings Attached Sex: Can It Ever Really Be Simple?

Friends with Benefits. Fuck Buddies. No Strings Attached. Call it what you want to, chances are it is going to end up much more complicated that the simple cut-and-dry set up that any of those names imply.

Can it ever really just be that simple? Is there any such thing as a true No Strings Attached sexual relationship with a girl or is it just an urban legend? Something often heard about, fantasized of, and yet ever-elusive. The answer to this is yes and no.

Find the Right Girl

Some girls are simply not wired to function in this type of relationship. Some girls are in denial about this and find out when it is too late that they can’t handle it or want more. That is bad news for a guy who really is looking for just sex. You end up looking like a dick for just wanting her for sex even though that it was she said she wanted as well. It’s a lose/lose situation on that one, guys.

So how do you know if you have picked the right girl for an NSA situation? You don’t. But there are some simple rules of engagement that you two can sort out ahead of actually entering into a sexual relationship that can help you decipher her intentions and the probability of you looking like a dick later down the road.

Rules of Engagement

Entering into a NSA situation haphazardly can result in a messy and disastrous combination of hurt feelings, abrupt cessation of sex, or worse yet, a one-sided desire for a relationship. There has to be an agreed upon set of rules that both you and she are comfortable with and committed to prior to you ever hitting the sheets. This may seem like a buzz kill, but it is best to keep your mission clear.

Your rules of engagement should include agreement on several key issues:

  • Intention – If either of you want it to even possibly lead to a relationship, that is a pretty good indicator that this NSA situation is going to get complicated quickly.
  • Frequency – The greater the frequency of your hook-ups, the greater the possibility that attachments will develop. In an NSA situation, it is better to keep the contact more sporadic and infrequent than getting a regular schedule or seeing each other multiple times a week because that quickly leads to one or both of you having expectations, which again can muddy the waters.
  • Openness -  If it really is a true NSA set up, seeing other people should be a non-issue, but it comes down to expectations. How do you two proceed if one or the other or both of you begin seriously dating someone else? Does the NSA action continue?  Agreement on these elements of the NSA set up can help you avoid disaster.

Sometimes Things Get a Little Complicated

It is likely that one or both of you will develop an attachment issue. The thought is bound to cross your mind at some point, and it will definitely cross hers. Be prepared.

If she brings up going exclusive or converting it to a “real” relationship and you absolutely don’t want that, tell her so. Be honest and direct.  Don’t be vague, tell her straight out that although you enjoy the sex, that  is really is all you are interested in. Be understanding if that doesn’t work for her and be prepared to walk away. The last thing you want to do is get roped into a situation with expectations of a romantic relationship just because you fear losing your sexual relationship with her.

On the contrary, you may find yourself enjoying her company so much that having her around outside of the bedroom doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Know that bringing this up with her will probably change the entire dynamic of what you two previously shared. It may go splendidly, with her in agreement and the two of you can saunter off towards coupledom. Or she may tell you that she is not interested. It does happen, guys.  If she’s not interested, accept it for what it is. Either way, keep it classy and don’t pressure her for more than she wants to give you.

Ultimately, No Strings Attached relationships are not meant to last forever. You will eventually find someone else with whom you do want to pursue a relationship. Or your intentions towards each other may change and it will go from a strictly hook-up situation to all the complexities of a real relationship. But in the meantime, happy fucking!

About the author

Lisa, aka Random Girl, is a mild-mannered professional by day, wickedly clever blogger/sex goddess/smartass by night. Lisa has very little internal filtering and is the voice behind Random Girl Blogs. She also makes fantastic chocolate chip cookies.

All articles by Lisa »

41 Responses to “No Strings Attached Sex: Can It Ever Really Be Simple?”

  1. Oren says:

    Lisa- Totally agree with you. You have to find the right girl and start things off with Total openness and honesty!

  2. Kat says:

    I know that it's possible, but I've never encountered a woman who had a regular fuck buddy who didn't get attached to him. It's just difficult because we as women are so preprogrammed to give a fuck about the guy and to establish some kind of emotional connection. This is a fantastic article because I think that the warning against frequency of encounters one of the best ways to avoid that attachment.

    Stellar job as usual, love.~

    • Rosy says:

      I am a woman and my current fuck buddy and I have been strictly sex for just a little over 5 years now! We are both to focused on our careers and live very separate lives. You just have to know what you both want. It's very possible, just hard to find :)

  3. Brandon.in.Idaho says:

    I agree 100%. And yes, it often gets complicated, but the goal is to keep it casual. Sadly, in all attempts made by me so far, one side has tried to make it more than it was, including myself once.

    But hey. Sometimes the NSA is so good, you add strings later on. I'm currently in a long term relationship with a girl who started as NSA. The sex was just too good to let it go, so we just kind of latched onto each other. Regrets? Sometimes. But few and far between.

  4. Jewels says:

    Can I just comment on the fact that you signed off with "happy fucking!" I love you. Period. End. Of. Story. haha.

    This is so true. I have been on both ends of the NSA relationship, one where I wanted to take things to an exclusive level and he didn't and one where he wanted to be serious and I didn't. They are short term and have an expiration date on them but they can be fun. Unfortunately I ultimately am just not the kind of girl that these relationships work for unless the guy is so totally out of my dateable wheel house that being with him seriously isn't an option (i.e. the firefighter).

    Wonderful article as always; I expected no less!

  5. Lance says:

    I know I write about my weird wiring but I have never beeb able to be physically involved with someone and not be emotionally attached. I wanted to have an f buddy. All of my friends seemed to have that. Yet, I've always been in relationships.

    I also liked the signoff. Perfect.

  6. Amber LaShell says:

    I am one of those rare women that can truly "be like a man" when it comes to fuck buddies. I am happy to not get attached,and have had at least one man want to start a relationship and had to tell him no… Great article!

  7. Anonymous says:

    (Part II of II)
    And when we would spend our weekends together, I would send him on his way and not think about him until the next time I needed to get laid, which was often.

    Since he and I ended our relationship (I just wanted someone local) I had 3 lovers that I alternated and it was AMAZING! Each one brought different things. I did not feel anything for them other than lust and passion. No feelings. One was a great kisser, another was great with his hands, the other was attentive and nurturing. I could have awesome, quick and dirty sex with one if I was in the mood, or sweet and gentle, quiet sex with the one who was 15 years younger, or I could have what I imagine married sex to be with the other…It was always up to me, on my terms, and on my schedule.

    It was HEAVEN!!

    So. Yes. I think it's possible. I think the woman in question needs to be confident enough in herself and her life to be able to disconnect to make it worthwhile for both people.

    Come to think of it..I might be in the market for someone new…It's been awhile…

    *naughty grin*

  8. Anonymous says:

    (Part I of II) Okay. This is fantastic! Thank you for writing about this. As always RG you make me smile with your insights and questions. I never thought of myself as the NSA type. And then..something happened. I wanted to explore the world of sex and I wasn't in a relationship. I wanted to find out what it was like to be open and naughty and crazy and try new things. So what does one do when one isn't in a relationship and wants to find someone who will have really great sex with her? Well, I found myself a lover. Someone I did not know. We worked it out. The details. We both agreed. I went into it thinking it was going to be maybe just a one time thing, but it turned out to be so much more than that. We were lovers for a year and a half. He was at that point, the best lover I had ever had. Having said that, I think my willingness to explore and to express myself gave me the freedom to allow myself to be damn good in bed as well. He knew I was in it for me. He knew that when he was with me, it was about me. He was completely generous and wonderful and adored me.

  9. Hannah says:

    I'm glad you discussed the importance of "intention" as one of the rules. I should have read this article 14 years ago when I got involved with a guy that ended up not really wanting anything too serious. If I would have been smart enough to ask before things got physical and way too complicated, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. As much as I love sex, I just don't have the ability to have NSA sex. I let myself get way too emotionally invested in the other person and the relationship. But it's a fantastic article as always. Lots of love for you!

  10. I've had 2 guys that have been fuck buddies, and oddly enough, they were guys that I used to have feelings for. Then I saw that they were not boyfriend material, and still fun to drink and go home with. I would not recommend this for most people, but it was a lot of fun. I knew I could call them up if I was out and potentially have someone to go home with, or at least have fun with!

  11. Jen says:

    I have been in a NSA situation for 4+ years now. It is great and we are great friends. Although yesterday he asked about taking things to another level….hmmmm. Don't know what to do because things are great just the way they are.

  12. NSAFB says:

    Happy Fucking is right! NSA FB's are great. Over the past few years I have had a few FB's – we're truly friends and we like to fuck. We all know that so it keeps it cool – legit. As long as you have the same intentions and all involved parties are clear on the relationship – fuck on. Stay horny my friends…

  13. Happas NYC says:

    Great article. I've been told that I have sex like a man in the sense that I 1) don't get attached, 2) don't get clingy, and 3) don't expect it to lead to anything significant. Call me a freak, but it's definitely a lot more fun than getting involved in the drama and complications that most girls find themselves in. I have a few guys on rotation but they are all aware that I'm not being exclusive with any of them. One demanded that we start a monogamous fuck buddy sort of deal but… in order to avoid the possibility of attachment… I had to kick that one to the curb. People can only really be fuck buddies without complication of they have absolutely NO interest in a relationship – and I find that not limiting yourself to just one buddy definitely helps avoid the risk of getting emotionally involved. It's awesome. Don't forget to use a condom, people! ;) ~Miss Mala

  14. Izabella says:

    Indeed, Happy Fucking!

    Just be Extra careful with sexually transmitted infections.

  15. Vinny says:

    Lisa,
    What if I am in a relationship and just want to learn your recipe for chocolate chip cookies? What do you call a relationship that people just have fun with each other without sex? Friendship does not work between a man and a woman unless one of them is extremelly unatractive.

  16. amy says:

    I have had the same fuck buddy for 5 years. Is that normal to have a fuck buddy for that long? I want to stop, but I feel like its not JUST sex. We have both tried having a relationship, but it always fails, because we can’t stay away from eachother, we are like eachothers “drug” its bad. I just recently found out that he has had a girlfriend for the past 8 months ( she lives far away) I never asked, so I guess he wouldn’t tell. I was upset, he showed up in my parking lot “wanting to talk” he said “this has nothing to do with her, what we have going on” from my understanding, if its just sex, it wouldn’t last this long, what do I do? Why do guys do this?

  17. Harry says:

    Great read….

    I’m about to enter my first NSA relationship. It was her idea… Best thing ever.

    Oh and what was with the firefighter reference above??

    because I am one!

    Thanks

  18. Linda says:

    This was really helpful. I initiated a NSA encounter off craigslist and picked a perfect guy. I posted the add, we exchanged emails and pics and decided to meet up. It was great sex and I was good to go and he inquired about meeting up again. My only issue is that this guy is a total catch so I was paranoid and nervous at first. I want to keep having NSA sex though so even though we hooked up 2 days ago and I want to have sex again…..I'm gonna hold off. What do you males think? Help a girl out!

    • Kthxbai says:

      Here's some advice from a female cougar: Back off him and stay in control. Post another ad for a younger, hotter version of him and then fuck THAT guy.

      Repeat, rinse, repeat. Never get hooked on one male. EVER.

  19. Nikki says:

    i have never been able to fuck someone without having feelings for them. you are just sad people

    • Jamie says:

      I don't really do it either, BUT there is a difference between having no feelings and not having relationship type feelings….

  20. joe says:

    in this world fucking is the best thing cause it makes u forget everything and control only one thing, so have a good time and have sex as much as u can…

  21. Chris says:

    I have come around on this. I was married and thought fidelity was essential. It is when you have children, stay together because they need a family.
    But if there are no kids involved, I say enjoy yourself. Don't be devastated if your guy 'cheats'. Love yourself. And enjoy yourself…Have a lover.
    I find that I feel much more secure in my relationship when I don't even think about what my partner does while he's out of my sight. I always know when he has strayed, you can practically smell it on them (not literally but you girls know what I mean). I just go off and do my own thing, then I figure, hey tat for tat, if you are good at enjoying sex then it doesn't matter who you are with as long as everyone wears a condom. I know this sounds awful, I would have disagreed not so long ago, but life is too short to be all Victorian about it. Relax and enjoy.

  22. Brian says:

    I think it can b done w no problems

  23. Sadie says:

    It’s all good until someone gets pregnant or an std.

  24. Chon says:

    You are all bananas what ever happen to love

  25. Steve says:

    It's one of the worst ideas in the world honestly…. it's animalistic and you devalue yourself as a human being when engaging in such affairs. It's also very dehumanizing because part of what makes sex so great is those feelings where "no feelings" is technically impossible and makes you sound like your irresponsible… Seriously why go through all that shit when you can just wisely pick a man or a woman to be your girlfriend or boyfriend? A realtionship will always have some kind of string attached to it if you actually believe they don't, you obviously think more with your fun parts then with your head. It's counter-productive as hell too.People have no confidence these days…

  26. Anonymous11 says:

    I think the most important thing is keeping your intentions clear and if feelings do develop, you must admit it right away before it gets too intense. My problem is that if you are just fuck buddies but you really enjoy hanging out with each other as well, then it can become even more difficult to remove emotions because you have friendship and sex combined. Maybe the friendship thing just doesn't work? Maybe if I fuck somebody regularly I shouldn't hang out with them? Idk but it's way too confusing.

  27. hisplaymate says:

    but there is this slightest chance that both would fall for each other. right? :) still hoping.. we never set the gorund rules.. should we? i mean we already had sex twice ( i mean two meet ups with lotsa rounds) but..should we really talk about it?

  28. james says:

    This article epitomizes why feminism has been the most amazing gift ever for single dudes! dam, if I lived before feminism I'd be stuck wioth responsiblity adn cimmitment and love and all than nonsense! Now I get cheap easy access to women's bodies ad I get to hang with the bros whenever i want. I still get my career, hobbies and everyhting men had before feminism, but now I get to have lots of sex with lots of different women and dont hae to feel or do a dam thing for any of them! You ar eth ebest Lisa! I wish more women were like you!

    • Kthxbai says:

      Yes! There are many of us and our numbers are growing! Thanks feminism, for allowing us to always upgrade to a bigger, longer, fatter, more skilled penis and dump fat, drama-wallowing manginas when they start to age and turn flaccid and whiny, which they always do.

      Feminism is to thank for no more beer fetching, no more cleaning and cooking, no more bitching, no more fat guys, and greater access to bigger, better dick.

      You're right, kiddo! Thanks, feminism!

      (And now, off to go get laid and do that faster and more successfully than James will tonight, because the market belongs to buyer who has the vagina.)

  29. Kthxbai says:

    "and it will definitely cross hers."

    Hahaha, she said as she said goodbye to the 19 year old she just banged and calls "pizza" – because he's in, he fills he up, and then HE'S GONE. A lot of you men don't realize some women would rather you begone after busting that nut. Who needs the awkwardness? Just serve me some good dick then LEAVE. This idea that no woman can do NSA sex makes me lawl.

    You've obviously never met a cougar ;)

  30. magorra71 says:

    Had a couple of male buddies go all sharron stone. So let’s not point at the ladies and assume we don’t know how to play the game. Ladies chose the right man… married… with as much to lose as you. Never single, seriously they are single for a reason and most not as hot as they’d like to think. Sex is the aim without emotional blackmail. Rules if he says he won’t do something hold him to it… never pander to his emotional outbursts its just words and or actions… keep him at ARM length away and never cancel a prior arrangement. You have control and you are queen of your time and emotions. He needs to know nothing he puts out and buggers off… you get a good nights sleep or hours of fun with yourself or someone else. Remember he’s a body warm and about to do all the things you like. Then he’s out of there, believing he’s the one controlling it. Never be afraid to say no… if you are move on quickly. Men need affection, let him get it from his mom. If you want to be with him, he’s not a fuck buddy, he’s become a desire and you’ll either end up together or fucked up or both. A fuck buddy situation works both ways equally right and no emotional involvement. If you promise never to give a shit stand by it otherwise they come on sites like this and bleet how badly off they were. Lol. They are a dick all you want or need in hopefully working order. Just my opinion mwah peeps x

  31. Ilovesriracha says:

    I love this article! I wish i've read this a year ago! -__- I started having feelings for my fuck buddy and i dont know exactly what to do about it. I dont know if i should ignore him till he stops texting and calling me, should i unfriend him on FB without letting him know or should i let him know how i feel and tell him that i need to cut off any type of communication so that i can move on :/ obviously i need help ! x_X

  32. Martha Lucinda says:

    I have read that women sometimes bond chemically with a guy by kissing, so I guess it just depends on the individual person and how she or he handles the situation. I think I would have to like the person as it's not very safe to have sex with strangers these days. I guess sex could be compared to food. If you want a steady diet of the same foods all the time, then you would want a relationship. But if you wanted something different infrequently, you might want a NSA arrangement. A few acquaintances have had NSA sex and also sex within a friendship. I think rules are good. I would be open to such a situation as I was reared to conform to the religious norm regarding sex and now I have found my own beliefs. You will hurt yourself emotionally if you are more involved in the arrangement compared to the other person, so take it easy and take care of yourself. I have had people all my life tell me I have to get married or have a boyfriend who loves me, but maybe I'm not ready for that. I don't know. Good luck to all of you and enjoy life and expressing yourself sexually. You only get one shot in life, so don't let anyone tell you what to do. And respect the other person and try not to hurt her or him.

  33. girl says:

    i am a girl who has always been in relationships, i have had a couple of one night stands but i was very drunk and never really had much feeling for them. i had my heart broken by a guy i had been on and off with for about two and a half years. after we ended it for good my whole mind changed – i wanted to go out and have one of sex with a sexy guy and get over him. i met up with a guy a few years older than me and it was almost as if i was instantly attracted to him, totally sober and out of character i slept with him it was great but i left and never expected to hear from him again.. but i did with in an hour after he took me home, we did it again, and again and now we are fuck buddies. my biggest fear is getting fuck dumped, or falling for him..aggh! we both enjoy the company and were both pretty open and honest, the sex is great. im not sure if or when this needs to come to an end

  34. Honeybee says:

    See I’m in a NSA relationship. But the problem is we used to kiss and then he stopped because he doesn’t want me or him to get emotionally attatched. He cuddles w me and we have the best sex. Also we hang out every day and do things together like a couple. We go bowling, go out to eat, cook together, hang with my friends. But he wants to fuck other people, but only if I’m there too. He wants a threesome. He is honest with me and tells me everything. He got fucked over in last relationship so doesn’t want another.but he is very hot and cold. One minute he looks at me like he loves me, and next he doesn’t want me to cuddle with him. He says we have no chemistry and doesn’t love me. He doesn’t appreciate me. He said he wants to know me for a long time and doesn’t want love to ruin our friendship

  35. Vixen says:

    I am on a NSA right now, its been 3mos. We have agreed to have this kind of relationship. He took time to know me before jumping into it. I have to say, it has been my GREAT sex ever. After all, it is all about sex satisfaction. I as a woman, being aware that I could be vulnerable into getting attached. Somehow, this man I am going out with I have to say, confuses me. We are passionately kissing and the sex is mind blowing! He however, kinda freaks me, the way He caresses me, or he cuddles me,… I have even opened up to him that we kind of doing it often and a his responses to it sounds like defensive and continuous to have a scheduled meet up. Well, sex is good with him I cannot just say NO! He has been cancelling his training on that day just to spend time with me. He makes me wonder all the time, he apologized whenever he couldn't communicate to me in daily basis which it wont matter to me really. Men can really make women confuse on this. Until, recently, I received a message from him saying, " He desires me"…I took it us probably that time alone. He sends messages of sugarcoatings and I have told him to stop it as it makes me uncomfortable. He had once said that I deserve it on every level..I am still seeing him, as he is wonderful…I don't know, I should either ask him directly what He means of his messages. I find he is more open on messages but once He is with me, I can only feel it with his caresses,kisses and when He stares at me!

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