The Dude Society

An Online Magazine for Guys.

How To Get A Blowjob Like A Total Asshole

So, a few dates with a nice girl have gone well… or maybe you somehow ended up in the bar bathroom with the neighborhood skank… either way, it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Prep work

Remember, your junk should be like the rainforest… damp and covered in foliage. Didn’t shower yet today? That’s good, becauseĀ  you wouldn’t want the girl to get the taste of soap in her mouth… that would be rude. Didn’t trim the hedges recently? She’ll love that cozy nest of pubis, especially when it gets stuck in her teeth like natural dental floss. Her dentist should be thanking you, really.

Get it all in there

We all know it’s not a real blowjob until the whole thing fits in her mouth… so she may need a little help. As she’s doing her thing, make sure you give an encouraging push on the back of her head, the ladies love that. The gag sound means it’s working.

Give verbal reinforcement

Ladies are self-conscious too, so you need to let her know she’s doing it right. A well-timed “suck it, bitch” usually does wonders. If that doesn’t do it, try your best to remember her name, or at least one that starts with the same letter, and shout that out.

Getting close

As you’re getting close to the money shot, it’s time to make some important decisions… do you have to tell her? Are you going to coat her throat? Or give her a man-facial?

The verdict?

The best of both worlds. When you’re starting to pop, push her head down on your pole, and then in a smooth motion pull out and leave the second half of your man-juice on her chin.

Make some memories

Now would be a great time to pull out your phone, snap a pic, and email it to her. This way she can have a souvenir of her romantic evening with you.

The great escape

OK, you’ve left your mark… now it’s time to get the eff outta there. Should you stick around or offer her a towel? Perhaps, but that could end in some potential awkward interaction, so best just to bail…

Back to reality…

If you’ve read this far and no flags have gone up… you’ve got some serious issues. This tale illustrates some of the biggest mistakes some guys make in such scenarios. If you want any repeat customers in this department, you better correct your behavior, pronto.

About the author

Jamie is the Founder of The Dude Society and a New York City based web designer & developer. He really likes telling people how to think, act, and dress.

All articles by Jamie »

14 Responses to “How To Get A Blowjob Like A Total Asshole”

  1. Jewels says:

    I cracked the hell up! This is fantastic. Perfect blow job etiquette and wonderful advice. They are sure to get repeat customers with behavior like that!

  2. Ryan says:

    LOL. So I’ve been doing things all wrong??

  3. Wait, what? There are repeat customers?

  4. Apocalypstick says:

    Genius.

  5. Jessica says:

    Insanely funny!

  6. Slydude says:

    Wow, that's exactly how gay dudes like to give blowjobs. Tell him you're straight and your girlfriend won't suck you, and you've got a friend for life and an awesome blowjob anytime you want it.

  7. daniel acosta says:

    nice what a great ideas

  8. Annie says:

    Loved loved loved the article.

  9. Drago says:

    LOL this is the funniest shit ive ever heard! hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha i cant stop laughing

  10. STringer says:

    Well, its not all wrong….about half is good advice…women dont like a pussy…so choke that chicken…they love the occasionally slap to the face then slam them back on the pole

  11. Dharma says:

    Freaking hilarious!!! Apparantly… I like to blow assholes! LOL. Seriously, am I the only one that enjoys a push on the back of the head, and the throat/chin coating?? Wow, my boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is! or wait…maybe he IS an asshole! LOL!

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