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Bad Sex The First Time? Will You Get A Second Chance?

You have sealed the deal. Another “first time” has come and gone and you did your best to follow our First Time Sex Etiquette rules. But despite your very best effort, it was not your best performance. In fact, it may have been your Worst. Performance. Ever. Now what?

Good Night Gone Bad

Sex, like everything else, can be a very hit or miss thing, especially when it is your first time with a new partner. You don’t have the comfort level, the inside knowledge of what she likes or doesn’t like, and you aren’t familiar enough with her specific anatomy to be able to necessarily nail it perfectly the first time. Pun intended. This can lead to a less-than-stellar first time roll in the sheets.

The good news? A recent Maxim magazine poll published in the April 2011 issue that gathered input from over 8000 women may give you a little peace of mind. Their poll results indicated that 96% of women would give a guy a second chance even if the sex was bad the first time. That’s awfully nice of us, isn’t it guys? As for the other 4%? If they can’t give you a second chance in the bedroom, imagine what would happen if you left the toilet seat up! You probably are better off not going another round with those girls anyway. There, does your ego feel better?

Saving Face

So what should you do if your first round wasn’t the knockout you were hoping for? There are a few ways you can save face here. First off, don’t act like you didn’t notice it wasn’t great. You don’t have to apologize for your performance, heck, it might have even been her fault that the fireworks weren’t blasting on the first round. But, by acknowledging it in a humorous way, you can help break the tension. At the same time, it lets her know that she should expect better from you the next time and that you plan to deliver.

Secondly, don’t blame her (at least not to her face). Girls are insecure enough when it comes to a first time throw down with a new guy that having you tell her she screwed it up somehow will not go over well  Remember that she had no way of knowing that particular thing your ex did with her tongue, fingers, or body that really set you on fire. Assigning blame for a failed first time is not going to be a productive venture. Finding humor in the situation and agreeing the first time can be a little tricky will help break the tension and put you a little more at ease, making the prospect of giving it another try much more appealing.

Want there to be a Next Time?

How should you approach your second attempt?  First of all, write off the failed first attempt. You don’t need the added pressure of feeling like you are playing with one strike against you already.

Next, change it up. Don’t just try to do exactly what you did the first time, only better. She has seen the ending of that play already and wasn’t asking for an encore. Get creative! Pick a different location, try a different position, and plan a different pregame. No foreplay last time? Give her extra foreplay this time. Slow and steady last time? Be aggressive and urgent this time. Making it look and feel different from all aspects will help her to look at the experience as a new venture, not a do-over of a lackluster first attempt.

Getting it Right

If you are pulling out all the stops and you are still getting the feeling that you are missing the mark based on her verbal and non-verbal feedback, or lack thereof, there is only one thing to do:  Ask her. Just come straight out and ask her what she wants right then and there. I don’t mean you should just say “what the hell do you want?” but asking her something like “what could I do to you right now that would make you so hot?” or something along those lines that let’s her know that you really are focused on pleasing her.

It may be something simple like she wants you to get a little more aggressive with her or something specific like she can only climax if you do XYZ to her.  She may also fear that making requests or asking you to do something faster/slower/harder may hurt your feelings or make you feel like you don’t know what you are doing. Most girls are considerate of the male ego, especially when it comes to sex.

The point is that you have nothing to lose at this point. If sex is bad the first time, that’s one thing. If it continues to be bad, that’s something else entirely.

Third Time’s a Charm?

Most girls understand that the first time won’t always rock their world. Most girls are also willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that the second time around can and will be better. But, chances are if it doesn’t click with some sort of solid potential the second time, there won’t be a third. Every girl has her limits, especially if this is just a casual relationship. No matter whose fault it might be, if it hasn’t happened by then, chances are it won’t be happening again.

About the author

Lisa, aka Random Girl, is a mild-mannered professional by day, wickedly clever blogger/sex goddess/smartass by night. Lisa has very little internal filtering and is the voice behind Random Girl Blogs. She also makes fantastic chocolate chip cookies.

All articles by Lisa »

12 responses to “Bad Sex The First Time? Will You Get A Second Chance?”

  1. Lance says:

    It depends. Was the first after a bunch of alcohol? Booze makes some people awful in the sack. The other extreme is were booze or drugs involved. I was with someone for a long time who was good at first, but she was high and or drunk a lot. Once she sobered up, she was bad.

    If I were single everyone gets a second a chance. They don;t get a third. I talk alot. If you can't communicate with me after two times, it's not me, sweetie, it's you.

    The key is to measure chemistry. See how she uses her hands, eyes, hips, and mouth whe she's conversing and interacting. I believe in the eyes and mouth. If she knows how to be seductive with those, the sex will at least be ok to good.

  2. I've had a lot of not great first times and have given most guys a second chance. I agree, first time isn't always the best, and learning what that partner wants can be very rewarding.
    Guys, ease up on the booze if you're nervous! You don't need it!

  3. Rita says:

    Oh my word. I've had one of those…ugh. I'm still convinced that it is why he changed his mind about me…and it was only because I was so nervous and it was in that moment as we lay naked together for the very first time, that i realized I loved him…and then proceeded to have the worst. sex. ever. oh man. i cringe just remembering it.

  4. PorkStar says:

    First times can be nerve wrecking for some. It affects performance and endurance. Or everything together. I had a one first time that had started well but after some time it was starting to feel like I was doing everything myself. I asked, once, twice, three times if everything was ok, she said yes, blah blah… we continued but I wasn't into it anymore. Good thing there wasn't a second time, I would have passed it anyways.

  5. Jewels says:

    First times can be tricky…in my experience they are either amazing (rare) or so-so to horrid (more common). I couldn't agree more about laughing off the first attempt, chalking it up to getting to know one another-and then communicating to make the second time better. There has and will never be a 3rd time for me with a guy if he hasn't found a way to "make the magic happen". Sometimes the actual intercourse can take a bit to hit all the right buttons but if he can't work it in foreplay and at least put in his A game for the actual sex–I'm not sticking around. I would expect the same treatment in return–if I don't do it for you then please-we're not doing each other any favors by sticking around sexually unsatisfied. Another great article, Lisa!

  6. Tony Van Helsing says:

    We make sex into too serious, in essence it is like comedy, when it works it hits the right spots and excites but when it doesn't it seems more mundane. People get too wound up about it.

  7. @katsidhe says:

    "Secondly, don’t blame her (at least not to her face)" This made me laugh, darling.~ It's one of your strengths how you bring a bit of humour into your articles while maintaining a serious discussion.

    As for the topic at hand, I think there are several variables. Like was it my fault the sex was bad?

    Hell no it wasn't because I'm fucking brilliant, so we can eliminate that off the bat.

    Was the person trying? Because if they were giving it a go and it just wasn't working, then I'd be inclined to give him a second chance. However if he was just laying there, or even worse, not listening, then I'm not so sure. Is this someone that I care about? That I've spend time getting to know? Then maybe. It would depend on if there was a true connection or just a friendliness to it. I'd go the extra mile for a true connection even if it seemed like they weren't trying, and figure out what was going on with them. Just a friendliness? Probably not, and I know that seems bitchy, but I don't believe that bad sex is better than no sex, so I've no problem being celibate until I find someone who ignites my naughty bits as well as my mind.

    And if it's just a roll in the hay, then hell to the no second chances. Again, probably a bit bitchy, but I didn't expect him to ignite my mind (which is much more difficult), just my body and if he couldn't do that much, then we'll both be happier if we part ways.

  8. bsetfree says:

    Yep. me & my wife's 1st time was a little rough. We were both 20, not virgins, she wanted to wait until we got married, but you know us guys. We were nervous, reluctant, & did not go so well. BUT 2nd time a week later was FANTASTIC !!
    jewels said it best:
    First times can be tricky…in my experience they are either amazing (rare) or so-so to horrid (more common)
    chalking it up to getting to know one another-and then communicating to make the second time better.

  9. Helen says:

    I am seeing a new guy for a few weeks and he's super sweet and I really like him but we ended up in bed together the other night and it was a DISASTER. Worst experience I've ever had. He was way too rough and fast with the foreplay, pinched my nipples so hard that it hurt, and then got "intimidated" and went soft on me when we tried to have sex.
    Then, we tried oral for a while but all he could manage was a semi and didn't cum so I felt like he didn't want me (even though he insisted it was amazing), and when it was my turn he'd stop every few seconds to use his fingers instead, and I felt more like I was being medically inspected than played with. In the end I had to move his hand and MAKE him slow down so it felt good, and I would have cum but by that stage I was completely turned off from all the fumbling so I faked it. I figured after going soft and not being able to cum that he needed a win. I'm going to give him another chance because I like him but I'm physically sore and bruised after the first time, so another round like that is a dealbreaker.

    • tracey says:

      hi this sounds like an experience i had with my husband when we first had sex, although he nicely told me he cum really quick with his first girlfriend [he was a virgin then] very hurtfull i married this guy many years later , i cant forget it the feeling of failure,hurt so we are over

  10. Sam says:

    I was seeing this woman last fall. Everything was going great till our first and last time. I had problems. She ditched me two days after our encounter. She denied that it was about our time in the sack. She told me her old boyfriend called her back the day after. How convienent. She called it off over dinner. Till this day I still believe it was about my bad time that night. It was sad because I really thought we had something special.

    • BigDog says:

      Feel bad for you man. Don't sweat it. I am in a similar position. I dated a girl for 2 months and first time we tried it just didn't happen. I blamed it on alcohol and she was cool with it, but a 2nd time when I was still having problems she got upset and it broke off. Women can be heartless bitches. Don't sweat it. Just get some cialis and let it boost your ego a little bit. Don't make it a big deal. The important thing is that you are getting dating experience.

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