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5 Things To Never Say To Your Girl

Does it seem like you end up in the doghouse more often than the bedroom? Always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Left wondering “what the hell just happened?” when you find yourself on the receiving end of the silent treatment?

No, you probably aren’t that big of a dick. You probably just have a knack for saying things that your girl doesn’t want to hear.  To help you stay in her good graces, here is a list of common offenders:

  1. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

    Whether it was a snarky comment from one of her co-workers that hurt her feelings or an asshole cutting her off on the morning commute, she is upset about it. Downplaying it, even if you don’t really see what the big deal is, will only make it appear that you are trivializing the offense and not supporting her. Even on small issues, girls want you on their side.

  2. “You really think that is a good idea?”

    Your girl has just run one of her “brilliant” ideas past you and she is really excited about it. You don’t quite get the big picture, and you burst her bubble by negatively questioning it. Denouncing her idea will most likely lead to hurt feelings, or her feeling like you don’t trust/support her judgment. If you still feel the need to criticize… focus on constructive comments.

  3. “Your Mother/Friend/Sister is crazy!”

    You may think throwing out that comment when she tells you a story about her mother/friend/sister is a show of support, especially if it appears to be true. However, she may take it personally. It’s like how you’re allowed to pick on your little brother/sister relentlessly, but the first time anyone else tries to do it, you are going to punch them in the face.  Women are very protective of their friends and (especially) family, so tread lightly.

  4. “Why didn’t you just….?”

    It was a rough day at work for your lady. She tells you about the meeting with her boss and how she handled it, and you ask her “Why didn’t you just (insert your solution here)? “ This offends in two ways: First, it sends the message to her that you think she handled it wrong. Secondly, it tells her that you think you could have handled it better than she did. Considering that she is probably still sensitive about the situation, she is looking for support, not second-guessing.

  5. “Calm Down.”

    Oh no you didn’t!  Yes, many men tell women to “calm down,” and this phrase, above all the others mentioned, will land you in the doghouse quickest.  The last thing your lady wants to hear when she is expressing something to you that she finds to be important, upsetting, or offensive is to have you tell her to “Calm down.”  That statement will have the opposite effect of what you want to see happen. In fact, she will probably turn her emotional drama in your direction as she will find it insulting and dismissive.

So, What Should You Do?

It may seem like you can’t win when facing the situations above, but you really can.

First, take a minute to just listen to what she is saying before you offer up a solution.  Most of the time, women really just want to feel that they are being heard, more so than looking for a solution from you.

Secondly, you can offer support.  Even if you don’t see the major offense or bigger picture, offering her your support will go far. Asking questions to learn more about the situation will show her you are engaged in what she is saying and will go a long way towards helping her feel validated. This also helps to build trust between the two of you. If she feels like she can share with you and you will really listen and not immediately shut her down or judge her, she will be more likely to share with you on important things going forward.

When all else fails, or you are uncertain of what to say in a situation, silence is golden. If she just wants to vent to you, listen.  If she wants your opinion/solution/advice rest assured, she will ask you for it!

About the author

Lisa, aka Random Girl, is a mild-mannered professional by day, wickedly clever blogger/sex goddess/smartass by night. Lisa has very little internal filtering and is the voice behind Random Girl Blogs. She also makes fantastic chocolate chip cookies.

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12 responses to “5 Things To Never Say To Your Girl”

  1. Lirad says:

    Great advice – I know I have been guilty of all of those at one time or another!

  2. jammypup says:

    All true. But how about simply saying OK to acknowledge that you are listening when she is in the middle of a rant only to be met with "No it's not OK – Are you not listening?"

  3. Lance says:

    I live with 4 women – wife and three daughters. I haven't said any of these ina long time. I am learning my teenage daughter's relationship with her friend who is a boy is just as sensitive as my relationship with her mom. I never make light of what she thinks is important.

    The key is, listening for and reading their cues of when to pay attention to something they consider to be important. I still suck at it.

  4. Jewels says:

    Great advice. Definitely never tell me to calm down. Being yelled at to "stop crying" also never a good idea!

    I think that as a woman it is important to remember that men want to fix things for those they love…so it is important to understand that they are always going to offer advice even if all you wanted to do was vent. Friends are for certain whining and venting…your man is for others.

  5. Amen to #5! Though all are very true.

    "Calm down" makes my blood boil like none other. Though I know it's said out of love and concern, it comes off so condescending.

  6. Sarah says:

    wow I feel like I am the one who says these to my husband! I would never freak out or get pissed if he said these to me though. But it's nice to get some insight on what he is feeling, cause I clearly use "it's not a big deal" most of the time and I am always the one to tell him to "calm down"

  7. Charlotte says:

    Definitely agree with all!!! Calm down is the one that sends me into so much internal anger and hurts! Completely agree!!!

  8. Help! says:

    I have looked over the above and have found that I am guilty of saying all these things in a relationship. I do not like to hear voices raised. That puts me into protective frame of mind. When voices are raised in any manner that is "No Big Deal" I fear of what my reaction will be. I have been working on changing a lot of things in my life. I have met a beautiful woman. I have been having a great deal of trouble trying to communicating with her. Here is an example of something that happened. Her child was sick from school for a couple of days therefore they fell behind in school work. Then the complaint from the child comes out that she has so much homework to do. Then the Mother allows her to go to a group thing for 2 hours. I understand that this group thing is good for the child. So after driving the child back and forth from this group thing lets just say a total time of 2.5 hours have been taken up by group.

  9. Help! says:

    The homework is not done until at least midnight 1 am at the latest. So I asked what happens at this group thing and made a comment about how my Mother would not let me do anything until my homework was done. Then I mentioned how times have changed in general. Lets face it life is very fast paced these days. Couple hours later my girlfriend accuses me of comparing her to my Mother. Then tells me to shut up until I become a parent and then I will have a say how to raise a child. I really like this woman and I also like her child. I had no intention to offend or judge her as a parent. It was just an observation that I have made. Is the problem that I opened my big mouth? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? When I am trying to have a very open and honest relationship and share thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am very confused about what I should and should not say. My past relationship had no sharing of any emotions. I am trying very hard to make this work. Any advice would be a huge help.
    Sorry for the dragging on but I am also not a writer

  10. Dani says:

    To Help: You're not sharing your "emotion," to the woman it sounds like your criticizing her way of raising her child. A woman is protective of nothing like she's protective of her child. The thing is, people rarely change especially if you just criticize them like that. Oh, and avoid putting her in the same context as your "mother." Of course she would go for a cheap shot, "Do I remind you of your mother?" Just be like, "I'm sorry about yesterday, I have no intention of offending you or judging you as a parent. If I ever do that again, remember this." Boom. That's it. And stop watching her parenting techniques.

    Don't keep your mouth shut with your feelings, just assess if it's a sensitive subject, think about whether your opinion needs to be shared, and try to filter them in an acceptable or gentle way. You know, because that's what being sensitive to other people is, and all.

    Oh, and when a woman raises her voice like that be like, "Ok, I get it, I see what you're saying, but I can't handle the yelling right now, I'm sensitive to noise/angry myself and need to go cool down." For pity points you could explain why yelling/loud noise makes you sensitive. But, if you really love the woman, and are not a selfish pussy, you could just bite the bullet and hear her out some. There is no invaluable gift like being LISTENED to.

    Guys, all you have to do is nod and listen or say something like, "Wow, that must have sucked" or "I know what you mean" or "Ugh, what a pain in the ass that must have been for you." (Edit probably, because this is what I say to my friends). Even if you know the solution, it usually hurts to hear it.

    With the mother, it's just like, "Jeez, I'm sorry, how did you handle that?"

    And never tell a woman to "calm down," women in society are rarely encouraged to express their anger so it is usually bottled up, even if it comes out "hysterical."

    Support when you're feeling angry, slighted, or shitty is generally something really valuable in a relationship.

    • Help! says:

      I understand what you are saying. Thank you for the insight Dani. I am still maintaining a relationship with this woman and it's been very confusing for me. I have a hell of a time saying NO to women. As a result of not being able to say NO I feel it has been discovered by her and I have been taken advantage of in some ways. I feel I have shut down and been unable to express my feelings and emotions in a healthy way. Maybe I am not ready to move on after a 10 year relationship that ended in March 2011.

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